Page 28:

• INT. DUPLEX – DAY


• Nicholas carries Lincoln’s Head back into the house. Penelope is still on the couch reading her book. Nicholas removes his and Abe’s snow gear.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Did you have a good time?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• You know, I do enjoy shoveling snow. It’s kind of like a religious experience for me since my grandfather…


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I was talking to Abe.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Oh.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• It was fun for awhile.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• That’s life.


• Nicholas places Lincoln’s Head on the middle of the couch and sits on the far end. Nicholas picks up a pen and doodles on a newspaper.


• Lincoln’s Head starts to get a little stir crazy.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• I say, who’s up for some fun?


• No one responds.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• (frantic)
• Enough of this sitting around! I feel I will go mad if we don’t do something?


• Penelope puts down her book.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• What do you want to do, sweetheart?


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• (subdued)
• I don’t know. Twenty questions?


• Penelope goes back to reading her book.

Page 27:

• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Those kids from across the street came over. They wanted him to play in the snow.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Is that a good idea?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• They seem like good kids.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (under his breath)
• Until they get their hands on a decapitated head.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• What?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Nothing. It’s halftime. I’m going to shovel the walk.


• Nicholas puts all his snow gear back on. He’s bundled up like a baby.


• EXT. DUPLEX – DAY


• Nicholas shovels the walk. There’s no sign of any of the neighborhood kids. He walks around the duplex to get the snow off the rickety old back porch.


• Abraham Lincoln’s Head sits on a pile of snow. A stick protrudes from either side of the pile. He’s wearing his custom hat that covers the bottom of his neck and everything.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Hey, buddy.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• Thank god.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• They just leave you here?


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• The young rascals just wanted me to be the head of their snowman.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Hmmmm.
• (picking him up)
• Lets get you inside.

Page 26:

• INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY


• Nicholas comes in the front door of the duplex. Penelope sits on the couch reading a book of Michael Caine’s poetry. Nicholas takes off all his winter gear.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Did you get a new battery?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I didn’t have to. It started right up.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Yeah? Weird.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• It was very weird.
• (abruptly changing the subject)
• I thought it would be freezing again today but it’s pretty nice out.
• (and again)
• I’m going to go take a shower.


• Nicholas heads up the stairs.


• INT. BATHROOM – DAY


• Nicholas checks his beard in the mirror. It’s patchy and unimpressive. His face has let him down again.


• INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY


• Nicholas sits on the couch next to Penelope. She’s still reading her book. He’s watching sports on TV. Probably basketball. Probably PRO basketball. What a loser.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Where’s Abe?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• (without looking up from her book)
• He’s cleaning the basement.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• He’s cleaning the basement? How?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I’m kidding I think he went out with his friends.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I thought we were his only friends.

Page 25:

• INT. KITCHEN – LATE NIGHT


• Nicholas and Penelope finally get home. Nicholas flips on the kitchen light. Abraham Lincoln’s Head lies face down on the table, the remains of his health shake spilled around him.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• (in his sleep)
• The greatest president since Ben Franklin.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Isn’t he cute.


• Nicholas flips the light back off and they tiptoe past.


• EXT. COMMERCIAL DISTRICT – DAY


• Nicholas walks along the shoulder. The sun is out but it’s freezing.


• EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY


• The car is exactly where they left it. Nicholas is behind the wheel with the door open. She still won’t start.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Nuts.


• A STRANGE BIGFOOT-LIKE CREATURE emerges from the small patch of woods that border the parking lot. Nicholas watches it with a stunned expression.


• The creature stops directly in front of the car. It places both its hands on the hood. Nicholas and the creature stare at one another.


• BIGFOOT-LIKE CREATURE
• (in primitive bigfoot language)
• Gree-no karamel.


• Without taking his gaze from the creature, Nicholas’ hand goes to the key in the ignition.


• The car starts.


• The creature breaks eye contact and walks back into the small wooded area. The creature goes, maybe, six feet back into the trees and sits down. It stares out at Nicholas.


• Nicholas closes the car door and drives out of the parking lot. He takes one last look at the woods before he drives off. The creature just sits there.

Page 24:

• Nicholas opens his door and walks around to the driver’s side. Penelope slides over into the passenger seat.


• Two doors slam shut.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I’m driving. Are you happy now?


• Nicholas keys the ignition. The engine GRINDS. He tries again. More of the same. The battery is good and dead.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I’m ecstatic.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (smacking the steering wheel)
• Hell and damnation!


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I’m in a fit of ecstasy.


• Nicholas is really letting the steering wheel have it.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Frodo Baggins!


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I think I just had an orgasm.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• What?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Should we get someone to give us a jump?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• God damn it!


• Nicholas lets out the last of his anger on the dashboard. He takes a deep breath.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• What are we going to do?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Lets just fucking leave it here.


• EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT


• Hand in hand, Nicholas and Penelope walk off into the night.

Page 23:

• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Hey, it’s no problem.


• The drive-thru kid closes his little window.


• Nicholas and Penelope sit in silence. She’s angry and a little freaked out. He’s just a fucking doofus.


• Inside the restaurant the kid talks to his co-workers. They all point and stare.


• ANOTHER CAR pulls around. The DRIVER is surprised to find a car sitting at the window facing the wrong way. The driver pretends nothing out of the ordinary is happening. He doesn’t want any trouble.


• The drive-thru kid opens the window and hands Nicholas the milkshakes and a couple straws.


• DRIVE-THRU KID
• Have a good night.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (rolling up his window)
• You too.


• Nicholas puts one of the shakes in a cup holder and takes the paper off one of the straws.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Do you want to drive?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• No, it’s cool.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I think you should drive.


• Nicholas drinks his milkshake.


• Penelope closes her eyes, guns the engine, and throws the wheel hard to the left. The car swings out into the parking lot. She quickly jams on the breaks and the car slides backwards in the snow. It’s now, more or less, facing the correct direction.


• Penelope puts the car into drive.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (like a jackass)
• Alright!


• Penelope shifts the car into park and turns off the ignition out of habit.

Page 22:

• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (to Penelope)
• You want anything?


• Penelope stares straight ahead. She grips the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles are white.


• DRIVE-THRU KID
• Can I take your order?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Yeah, can we get two strawberry milkshakes?


• DRIVE-THRU KID
• Is that all?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Yeah.


• DRIVE-THRU KID
• That’s $3.23. Please pull around to the first window.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Thanks.


• Nicholas rolls up his window and looks at Penelope.


• Penelope doesn’t look at him. She keeps looking straight ahead as she puts the car in reverse and backs her way around the drive-thru. Nicholas goes through his pockets looking for money.


• The car stops in front of the window. Nicholas rolls his window back down.


• INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT


• The kid working the drive-thru contemplates the backwards moving car. He shrugs it off. They’re not paying him enough to care.


• INT. CAR – NIGHT


• Nicholas smiles and hands the kid $3.25.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Keep the change.


• DRIVE-THRU KID
• Gee, thanks.

Page 21:

• INT. CAR – NIGHT


• The weather has turned awful. The snow is really coming down. Visibility is just about zero. Penelope drives. She’s very uncomfortable behind the wheel in this kind of weather. Nicholas slumps in the passenger seat.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Why do I always do that?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I’m trying to concentrate here.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• An impulse control problem. That’s what I’ve got. Don’t eat the whole box of little donuts. Don’t eat the whole bag of gummy worms. Those should be no-brainers.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• (very sarcastically)
• Want me to take you to the emergency room?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (not picking up the sarcasm)
• Yes?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• You’re such a wimp.


• Nicholas sees a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT on the side of the road.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Can we get milkshakes?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• What?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (gesturing wildly)
• Pull in! Pull in!


• Nicholas’ hollering causes Penelope to panic. She takes the turn into the restaurant way too fast.


• Penelope screams and hits the breaks. Nicholas grabs the dashboard. The car spins around a couple times, but miraculously doesn’t hit anything. The car comes to a stop at the DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER, facing the wrong way.


• Nicholas rolls down his window.

Page 20:

• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Where’d you learn to jump rope like that?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I saw the white light! The power of the almighty is inside me!


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Are you high?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I wasn’t, but I have ways of getting people to tell me what I need to know.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Did one of my aunts give you something?


• Penelope starts giggling as she jumps faster and faster.


• Nicholas brings a box of HOSTESS DONETTES out of the bag. He opens it and starts stuffing his face.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Give me one of those.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Give me one of what you’re on.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I’m not on anything!


• The jump rope gets tangled in Penelope’s feet. She sits back down on the bench, breathing hard.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Gimme a little donut.


• Nicholas holds up the box. It’s empty.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (with mouth full of Donettes)
• So sorry.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• You pig!
• (with something approaching awe)
• That was a lot of little donuts.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I don’t feel so good.

Page 19:

• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• They should try mediation.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Or medication. Did you get the stuff?


• Penelope holds up the bag she’s holding.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Yup.


• Nicholas puts the nozzle back on the pump.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Sweet.


• EXT. PLAYGROUND – NIGHT


• Nicholas and Penelope sit on a bench. The bag from the convenience store sits between them. It’s freezing but they don’t seem to mind. They’re eating TWINKIES.


• Penelope finishes her Twinkie and reaches into the bag.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Look what else I got.


• Penelope holds up a cheap JUMP ROPE.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• What is it?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• (opening the package)
• It’s a jump rope.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• To work off all these calories?


• Penelope stands and moves a few steps away from the bench.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Something like that.


• She starts to jump. She does a bunch of really crazy stuff.


• Nicholas watches her and smiles. He doesn’t take his eyes off her as he reaches into the bag for another Twinkie.


• A light snow begins to fall.


• Penelope keeps jumping.

Page 18:

• INT. DINGY MALL ARCADE – DAY


• Nicholas wanders through the arcade looking for Penelope.


• He finds her in the back playing DONKEY KONG. She’s really getting into it. On screen, MARIO is jumping over BARRELS like a demon.


• Nicholas watches her for a few moments.


• The high score screen comes on. Penelope keeps playing.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Wait, that was just the demo. You aren’t even playing. What the hell?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• (still “playing” the game)
• I don’t have any quarters.


• Penelope throws her hands up and makes a big dramatic scene like she’s just lost the game.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• So close!


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Lets go.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Where’s my pretzel?


• Nicholas walks away.


• INT. GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE – NIGHT


• EXTREME BIRTHDAY PARTY MONTAGE!!!


• EXT. GAS STATION – NIGHT


• Nicholas pumps gas. Penelope walks back to the car from the gas station’s QUICK MART or whatever goofy name it has.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• You’re family is crazy. I have such a hard time keeping the names, faces, and feuds straight.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• We have thin skin and long memories.

Page 17:

• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Yup. They said “hi” and “you should dump him”.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Charming.


• Penelope finishes her egg and gets up.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Get dressed. We’re going out.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Huh?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• We have to get a present for your grandmother.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Huh?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• It’s her birthday, dummy.


• INT. MALL – DAY


• Nicholas and Penelope cruise the mall eating LARGE SOFT PRETZELS. Their shopping must’ve been a success because Nicholas is holding a couple small bags.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• She’s going to hate it.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Then why’d you buy it for her?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Because I’m a horrible grandson.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Yeah, that’s true. Dig Dug!
• (handing Nicholas her pretzel)
• Here.


• Penelope disappears into the dingy mall arcade.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Hey!


• Nicholas sets to work eating the pretzels.

Page 16:

• He shuts his eyes and clutches the covers to his chin.


• INT. KITCHEN – MORNING


• Nicholas drags himself downstairs.


• Lincoln’s Head is on the table. He’s drinking some kind of HEALTH SHAKE through a straw. Penelope bustles around the kitchen making breakfast.


• Nicholas slumps into a chair at the table. He didn’t sleep at all last night so he’s in worse shape than usual.


• Penelope finishes cooking and brings a large OMELET to the table. She sits down and starts to eat it.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Can I have some of that?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• No.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Just a taste?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• No.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• But I’m hungry.


• Penelope grabs a bag of HARD PRETZELS off the counter and plops it in front of Nicholas.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Gee, thanks.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Don’t mention it.


• The trio eat. The only sound is the obnoxious crunch of pretzel.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• You didn’t come home last night.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I went to my mothers’. It got late so I slept over.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Your mothers’.

Page 15:

• The rain begins to turn to snow.


• EXT. DUPLEX – NIGHT


• Nicholas staggers up the steps of the duplex. All the lights are on on his and Penelope’s side. The other side is dark except for the light of a television in the front room.


• Nicholas’ neighbor Roberta Kleen sits on her side of the shared porch. She’s all bundled up.


• ROBERTA KLEEN
• I don’t find this chair comfortable at all.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Hey, Roberta.


• ROBERTA KLEEN
• It certainly has gotten cold.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (looking through the window)
• Yeah, is your husband watching one of his shows?


• ROBERTA KLEEN
• You have to bundle yourself up if you’re going to be out in this kind of weather.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• It sure is cold.


• ROBERTA KLEEN
• I’ve still got a few more years in me.


• Nicholas realizes that the old woman isn’t paying attention to him.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Good talking to you.


• INT. DUPLEX – NIGHT


• Nicholas goes through the house and shuts off all the lights. No one else is home.


• INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT


• Nicholas is alone in bed. As he’s about to fall asleep, someone or something sneezes violently in the night, and he comes awake with a start.

Page 14:

• EXT. VACANT LOT – DAY


• It starts to rain.


• Nicholas doesn’t move from his ditch.


• A SPECTRAL FORM appears before him.


• SPECTRAL FORM
• How’s it going, boyo?


• Nicholas pays no mind. It starts to rain harder.


• SPECTRAL FORM
• I brought you something to eat.


• The spectral form holds out a bag from a fast food restaurant.


• Nicholas doesn’t move.


• SPECTRAL FORM
• C’mon, it’s good for you.


• Nicholas looks up.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• That’s so nice of you, but I don’t deserve it. I’m a no good shit.


• SPECTRAL FORM
• Don’t talk like that. Buck up. You’ll feel better after you eat.


• Nicholas sits up and takes the bag. He opens it and brings out a hamburger. The burger is instantly soaked with rain as Nicholas unwraps it.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (with mouth full of hamburger)
• This doesn’t taste like anything.


• SPECTRAL FORM
• What the hell do you expect? It’s a hallucination, you crazy motherfucker.


• Nicholas looks and sees that he is alone. There is nothing but mud in his hands.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (spitting out mud)
• I gotta get my damn act together.

Page 13:

• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Yeah, I know, where were you going to get that kind of money, right?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I guess I would’ve had to get a job.


• Nicholas and Penelope share a hearty laugh.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• (with mock seriousness)
• But then you wouldn’t need me.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Right, I could find a girl who would really appreciate my abuse.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• A girl who would crave your abuse.


• Nicholas stares ahead wistfully.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Yes, Sir, we really dodged a bullet there. Ho ho ho.


• Nicholas pulls the car to the curb.


• He jumps out and sprints off across a vacant lot. The car continues to move down the street very slowly.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• (as she slides behind the wheel)
• What now!


• Penelope watches Nicholas as he goes and lays face down in a ditch.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I’m just leaving you here!


• Penelope drives off.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• Madam, I pray thee, what just happened?


• Penelope looks at Lincoln’s Head in the rearview mirror and rolls her eyes.

Page 12:

• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• This isn’t working out.


• Nicholas and Penelope share a look. Penelope picks up the classifieds section.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Alright, lets see what’s available.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (tussling Abe’s hair)
• We’re going to miss you, buddy.


• Lincoln’s Head becomes even more angry. He thought they’d at least protest a little.


• INT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY


• Nicholas and Penelope are shown around an apartment by a REAL ESTATE AGENT. Nicholas carries a very sullen Abraham Lincoln’s Head in his arms.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• What’s your policy on pets?


• AGENT
• Zero tolerance.


• Nicholas puts Abe on a coffee table and guides Penelope to the other side of the apartment.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• $100 says he makes a lame excuse and calls off the search.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• You’re on.


• INT. CAR – DAY


• Nicholas drives with Penelope in the passenger seat. Abe’s in the backseat.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• I’ve thought it over. If I move out you two won’t be able to pay the rent on our place. I’d better stick it out.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Looks like I own you $100.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• You know, I had no intention of paying if I lost.

Page 11:

• INT. BATHROOM – MORNING


• Nicholas sits in the bathtub. Penelope sits in front of him leaning back against his chest. There’s bubbles and stuff in the water. Nicholas holds Abraham Lincoln’s Head in front of Penelope so she can shampoo his hair.


• Nicholas starts kissing Penelope’s neck.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• C’mon, let me finish him.


• Nicholas keeps working on her neck.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Stop it.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (between kisses)
• Stop what?


• Penelope stops shampooing Abe’s head and drops her hands under the water. Use your imagination.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Wait a second.


• Nicholas shifts his body, reaches out of the tub, and puts Abraham Lincoln’s still shampoo covered head on the floor. Nicholas and Penelope really start to go at it.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• I say! Would someone kindly rinse this shampoo from my head? Hello? Is there anyone there? My eyes! It burns! It burns!


• Nicholas and Penelope pay no mind.


• INT. KITCHEN – MORNING


• Nicholas and Penelope sit at a small table. They’re eating fancy cookies for breakfast. Abraham Lincoln’s Head is on the table. He isn’t happy.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• I’ve been thinking about it and I think it’s past time I got my own place.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• What?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• We’re the Three Musketeers!

Page 10:

• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (pitifully)
• You don’t even care that I got stabbed.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• I must’ve slept right through it.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I can’t believe you weren’t there for me.


• Nicholas thinks for a second.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• It was you.


• Penelope spits toothpaste into the sink.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• It was. Wasn’t it.


• Penelope turns on the faucet and leaves it on.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• You stabbed me with a toothpick.


• Abraham Lincoln’s Head sits on the back of the TOILET. The seat is, of course, up. Penelope puts her toothbrush away, gets Abe’s, and starts to brush his teeth.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Why would you do that?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Why would I do what?


• Penelope turns off the water and really starts to get into it with Nick. Abe gets peeved because she stopped brushing his teeth and starts to bounce around. There’s toothpaste all over his face.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• You’re crazy. Why would I dress up like a ninja and stab you with a toothpick in the middle of the night? If I wanted to stab you I’d just stab you. I wouldn’t make a big show of it. You know that.


• Nicholas and Penelope stare lovingly into each other’s eyes. Abraham Lincoln’s Head is getting VERY agitated.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (as Abe’s Head falls into the toilet)
• Hey!

Page 9:

• INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT


• Nicholas is sound asleep in bed. He grinds his teeth.
  The door inches open.


• A black clad figure creeps into the room. I think it’s supposed to be a NINJA.


• The ninja stands silently before Nicholas and then makes a violent stabbing kind of motion.


• Nicholas springs up and starts screaming. He can just make out the outline of the ninja in the dark room.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• What the hell!


• Nicholas pushes past the ninja and sprints out of the room.


• INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT


• At the end of the hallway, Nicholas reaches into the bathroom and flips on the light. The ninja stands in the bedroom doorway at the other end of the hallway.


• Nicholas grimaces in pain. He takes a quick glance at his left shoulder. There’s a FANCY TOOTHPICK sticking out of it.


• He pulls it out and faints from the sight of blood.


• INT. BATHROOM – MORNING


• Penelope brushes her teeth. Nicholas lies on the floor half in the bathroom half in the hallway.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Am I in the hospital?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• (with a mouth full of toothpaste)
• You’re on the floor.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I’m bleeding. I was attacked by a ninja.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Huh.


• Nicholas rolls onto his side and looks at his wound. It’s just a tiny little thing. He lays back down and closes his eyes.

Page: 8

• INT. RITZY MALL – NIGHT


• ROBERTA KLEEN sits on a FANCY CHAIR in front of a fancy store. She stares blankly into space.


• EMMANUELLE “CHAMP” BEETS sits down in the chair next to Mrs. Kleen and makes himself comfortable. He places a BAG OF LEFTOVERS on the floor next to his chair.


• His coat is zipped up all the way and he is wearing a ski cap even though it is very warm in the mall.


• EMMANUELLE “CHAMP” BEETS
• That’s a mighty comfortable chair.


• He smiles at the older woman but she doesn’t react at all.


• EMMANUELLE “CHAMP” BEETS
• Winter’s finally caught up with us. It’s starting to get cold out there.


• Still no reaction.


• EMMANUELLE “CHAMP” BEETS
• I had to ask my mom where my hat was.


• Again, no reaction


• EMMANUELLE “CHAMP” BEETS
• I’m going to have to dig up my scarf.


• “Champ” leans over.


• EMMANUELLE “CHAMP” BEETS
• Coo?


• He realizes that the woman hasn’t moved the whole time.


• EMMANUELLE “CHAMP” BEETS
• Are you dead?


• Spooked, he gets up and hurries away.


• When “Champ” is gone Roberta lets out a long breath. Then she starts to laugh.


• Roberta looks around to she if anyone saw her performance. Not seeing anyone, she stretches her neck, stands, and picks up the bag of leftovers.


• She goes off to do a little window shopping.

Page 7:

• INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT


• Nicholas is on the floor doing pushups.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• 4…5…6…


• Nicholas collapses from the effort. He curls into a ball. He’s probably crying.


• Penelope enters the room cradling Abraham Lincoln’s Head in her arms. She sits on the edge of the bed.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• (to Nicholas)
• Someone has something to say to you.


• Nicholas looks up into Abraham Lincoln’s Head’s eyes. They glare at each other.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• Asshole.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (without taking his eyes off Lincoln’s Head)
• How’d you get Roman to give him back?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• We worked out a deal.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• What did you do?


• Penelope places Abraham Lincoln’s Head on the floor and leaves the room.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• What did she do?


• Lincoln’s Head glares at Nicholas in silence.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• What did she do?


• Abraham Lincoln’s Head smiles.

Page 6:

• Roman smiles as he eats his sandwich.


• EXT. DUPLEX PORCH – DAY


• Nicholas sits on the front steps of the duplex. The duffle bag is zipped closed at his side.


• Penelope comes out the front door.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Don’t tell me you’ve been sitting out here the whole time.


• Nicholas doesn’t respond.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Where’s Abe?


• Nicholas still doesn’t respond. Penelope notices the bag.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Oh, god.


• She unzips the bag but there’s only some sort of SPANISH CONQUISTADOR COSTUME inside.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Where’s Abe?
• (holding the costume)
• What the hell is this?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I traded Abe for it.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• You did what?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• It almost fits. I just have to put on a little weight.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Where the hell is Abe.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (standing up)
• He’s gone. Get over it.


• Nicholas doesn’t look Penelope in the eye as he moves past her and goes into the duplex.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Son of a bitch.

Page 5:

• ROMAN ITALY enters the diner. He spots Nicholas and comes over to the booth. He sits down across from Nicholas.


• ROMAN ITALY
• Nicholas! How’s it going, baby?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Roman.


• ROMAN ITALY
• Haven’t seen you around much lately. What’ve you been up to?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I spend my days in prayer and meditation.


• ROMAN ITALY
• How’s that working out for you?


• The waitress returns with the cherry colas. Roman takes one and starts to drink it. Nicholas doesn’t say anything.


• Abraham Lincoln’s head tries to see what’s going on but his vision is blocked by the table.


• ROMAN ITALY
• How’s your girl?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• She’s alright.


• ROMAN ITALY
• She still working over at the…


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• No.


• ROMAN ITALY
• Too bad. She was really good.


• They sit in awkward silence for a few moments.


• The waitress brings the sandwiches. Roman takes one. The waitress looks at Lincoln’s Head as it squirms in the bag.


• WAITRESS
• You need anything else?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (Not looking at the waitress)
• We’re fine.


• The waitress leaves.

Page 4:

• EXT. THE WORLD – DAY


• Nicholas walks through the streets angrily swinging the duffle bag.


• Muffled sounds come from the bag.


• Nicholas cools. He cuts through an alley to a RATTY DINER.


• INT. RATTY DINER


• Nicholas sits at a booth, the duffle bag is half open beside him. Lincoln’s Head pokes out.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• Think nothing of it.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I’m really sorry, man. That was uncalled for.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• It is forgotten.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Let me make it up to you. Let me buy you something.


• A WAITRESS approaches. She glances down at the bag but doesn’t seem to mind. She hands Nicholas a menu.


• WAITRESS
• Can I get you anything to drink?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I’m ready to order. Can we get two cherry colas and a couple grilled tuna sandwiches?


• WAITRESS
• Sure thing, hon.


• The waitress walks away.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• Tuna! You are a good friend.

Page 3:

• Penelope enters the room. She’s just taken a shower. A towel is wrapped around her body. She is smoking a PIPE.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• (Under her breath)
• I can’t leave you two alone for a minute.


• She rolls her eyes at the sight before her but quickly hides her annoyance. She kneels beside Lincoln’s Head, picks up his TOP HAT which has fallen from his brow, and puts it on.


• She sticks out her tongue, makes a silly face, and tickles Lincoln’s Head’s chin.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• (Cooing)
• Stop that.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (Forcing a smile)
• Don’t I get any of that?


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• No.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• Madam, desist! Desist! I beg you!


• Penelope pats Lincoln’s Head on the top of his head with real affection.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• You love that damn head more than you love me.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• And?


• Penelope stands and moves to the dresser. She drops the towel and stands there for a moment wearing only the top hat.


• Lincoln’s Head watches her with a funny expression on his face. Nicholas looks from Lincoln’s Head to Penelope and back again. His RAGE grows.


• Nicholas stands, grabs Lincoln’s Head, and quickly leaves the room. Penelope doesn’t even pause as she puts on her jeans, but she smiles a Cheshire grin.


• EXT. DUPLEX PORCH – DAY


• Nicholas throws open the front door and storms out of the duplex, stuffing Abraham Lincoln’s Head into a DUFFLE BAG.

Page 2:

• INT. BEDROOM – DAY


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND sits in the same chair in the same room as before. The same STEELY DAN song plays on the stereo.


• The only difference is that the curtains are drawn shut and the DECAPITATED HEAD OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN lies on the floor.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• What are you so afraid of?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I fear nothing in all of God’s creation.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• Then why do you quiver so?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• ‘Tis naught but the cold, Good Sir Head. ‘Tis January 4 is it not? Surely a most frigid time of year.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• Open the curtains. Throw open the window. The new year has brought a false spring.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• Of that I will have to take your word, Dear Head, for as surely as I live these curtains must remain ever closed.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• But why?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• The future is on the other side and I cannot bear the sight of it.


• LINCOLN’S HEAD
• (Shedding a single tear)
• Then we are truly lost.


• Nicholas’ eyes tear up as well, in spite of himself.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• (Whispering)
• Bring me my cherry cola and place it in my hand. Bring me my cherry cola for surely we are damned.


• Both Nicholas and Abraham Lincoln’s Head weep openly.

Page 1:

• FADE IN:


• INT. BEDROOM – DAY


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND sits in a large, orange chair at a tiny desk in a tiny room. His hands flutter about the keys on his tiny computer. STEELY DAN plays on the stereo.


• It’s a new year and he is filled with OPTIMISM.


• He decides to put on a grotesque amount of weight so he can fit into the XL GREEN LANTERN T-SHIRT that he got for Christmas years ago.


• Last night he dreamed of playing golf with PRINCE CHARLES.


• Nicholas’ girlfriend PENELOPE PENELOPE pokes her head out from under the covers on the bed.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• What time is it?


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• 3:08.


• PENELOPE PENELOPE
• Shit, why didn’t you wake me up.


• NICHOLAS FREDLAND
• I was enjoying the silence.


• Penelope glares at Nicholas as she throws the covers off and slides out of bed.


• HAITIAN DIVORCE comes on. She starts to sing along as loud as she can as she leaves the room.


• She adjusts her panties unselfconsciously as she goes.